Over The Edge and Under the Knife

I could hardly believe my ears the other day as the overly enthusiastic woman chattered away on the radio advertising the latest “two-fer” special offered by a local plastic surgery clinic for of all things— a vaginaplasty.
“Now di-rect from Beverly Hills the surgical procedure that is sweeping the country is available for the first time in South Florida. And for a limited time you can come in and bring a friend during this Super Summertime Special. Yes ladies, who wants to walk around with a droopy vagina when you can have a perkier, tighter one?”
I tried to imagine the conversation that would take place when I called my best friend to pitch the idea of going to spend the afternoon having our vaginas lifted or whatever they do as if we were headed off to the spa for a pedicure.
“Hey girlfriend, what are you doing next Saturday? There’s a BOGO special down at the clinic. Something guaranteed to “perk” us right up,” I howled.
Perky! What’s up with that? Who knows what makes a vagina droopy? Maybe it’s depressed or in a very bad mood or just needs a little vacation from years of service. Bet mine is bi-polar. Maybe all one needs is a little therapy to “perk up”. Hmmm. Wonder if there is any calling for that… a vaginal motivational speaker. The natural alternative to surgery. Imagine. A happy, well adjusted, carefree vagina. “Hello down there little vagina, how are you today? You’re certainly looking well.”
Since I had no clue what a vaginaplasty entailed and what type of desperate woman would just “have to have one” I wasted no time searching the internet and found it running amuck with information on the subject. Vaginaplasty or the fancy phrase for it —vaginal rejuvenation is a procedure primarily for “older” women who want to “tighten up” their aging (and apparently decrepit) vaginas and restore them to their youthful, pre-pregnancy days. Well, who wouldn’t want that! Don’t know how I made it to the age of fifty without a vaginaplasty but, apparently I am now in the perfect age range– 45-crematory urn. I recalled my last gyno appointment when my doctor arrived late because he had to perform emergency surgery on an eighty year old woman whose uterus had fallen out. I Imagine! She’d definitely benefitted from a bit of “tightening up” this ieghty plus vaginaplasty poster child. Made me grateful that I’d had a hysterectomy. The only thing in danger of falling out of me would be my spleen. As far as my va-j-j is concerned, I’m not quite sure if it’s droopy or not, but since everything else on my body has been going south of late I suppose it was possible. But I ask you, what woman cares if her vagina has gone a little loosey goosey over time as long as it’s not sitting in the crotch of her panties? I have no problems with plastic surgery. I have a couple of surgical procedures under my belt, but hell, half the fun of having plastic surgery is letting everybody get a good look at the new and improved you afterwards. Following my last breast reduction, yes, I’ve had two of them, (just a minor haywire hormonal problem according to my overly-delighted plastic surgeon) I couldn’t wait to have lunch with the girls and show off my new, custom made ta-ta’s.So just how do you debut your new va-j-j during your “coming out” luncheon? I think crotch-less panties would be a bit too tasteless. Maybe you would have to resort to a few cheesy, under the table parlor tricks. Do you drop a spoon on the floor and deftly grab it hands-free without so as a much as a sweat to prove you have gotten your money’s worth? I don’t know about you, but I think I’ll save my cash and invest in a couple of “motivational” tapes instead.

About Mellie Justad

A transplanted Southerner trying to survive in South Florida or what I fondly refer to as,"The Land of the Southern Impaired" I write about everyday life from my days as my hometown's Possum Queen to being cut from my wet suit with the Jaws of Life with a pair of hedge clippers. My humorous essays have appeared in the anthology, Not Your Mother's Book on Being a Mom, Midlife Boulevard, The Storyteller, ParentingPlus, Dew on the Kudzu and Muscadine Lines. Remember when you find yourself at the end of your rope- don't despair and crochet your own noose- Just add humor.
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